A person can only take so much... I often jokingly tell my husband that if I was an animal I would have already been put down. I laugh, but I am serious. The bad part about being a human and having a problem is you know you have a problem and you know there isn't a treatment. The good thing about an animal is that they may know they have a problem, but they are quick to adjust and not stress about it day in and day out.
My corgi mix Tito has lost the use of his back legs entirely. The muscle has completely deteriorated and he drags his self around everywhere. He gets happy and excited and sometimes wants to play and he does so by dragging himself or hopping around. It's as if nothing were wrong with him.
I, however, can't seem to get myself out of this pity-party funk that I've been in since September of 2013. I came pretty close, but for some reason having a rare disorder wasn't enough for my body to take on, it now wants to be dizzy for 10% of my day and leave me in a state of fear that it's going to get worse. This has been going on since October 2014. The doctors seem to think it's BPPV, but I am not sure anymore. I am just so tired. I am physically and mentally tired. I don't believe in suicide.. it is not an option to me and I've pushed that out of my head completely. I am not in a depressed state or an anxious state... I do not need medication to make me feel happy.... I am happy. I am happy that I am alive and have a wonderful husband and son. I have a good life from an exterior view point, but on the inside I am at war with myself.
So I've had enough...., but what does that mean for myself.... what do I do now? In my heart I long to travel.... I want it so bad I can taste it. It's like a magnet drawing me closer and closer, but I am stuck. Do I sit around waiting to get better. Do I stay perched on my couch biting my nails worried that I am going to get dizzy again or stress about how I don't see movement properly and am so different from every body I know. Do I face the fact that this is now me and just set it aside and start living my life with the messed up vision and dizziness and just pray that somewhere along the way the researchers find a treatment or I miraculously get better on my own? I want so badly to do the latter, but I just don't know. How does an animal do this? Tito obviously doesn't think his life is over. He's still just as happy as ever. When he's in his dog wheel chair he wags his tail and rolls around everywhere. It's his Band-Aid. I need a Band-Aid so desperately. If I just felt for one second that I had someone on my side who wanted to try and help me get better.... well that would be a Band-Aid... unfortunately I don't have this. My doctors still have yet to look into the condition. I am but a number in a long line of patients. I feel so separated from the world, so different. I long to fit in and be normal... I don't want to stand out or be different.....But I am ..... that is me and I've had enough! So now what?
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