Alone in a world full of healthy people

When you are born into this world you don't know much. Only instinctive things like breathing, squinting at bright lights :), etc. As you get older you learn things, you become attached to people and things. You are happy and sad, but never think twice about these emotions. You get sick and you know you will get better soon either on its own or with medicine. These are things you've learned and know. But what happens when you get sick and no one knows what to do. I can only explain it being like the first person diagnosed with AIDS (even though it may not be deadly). Dr.'s didn't know what to do. I imagine some didn't even care what to do because it was our of their scope of practice and wasn't in their book of ailments and treatments. I feel a bit like this every day. When I first got the visual snow and the Dr. and I approached the Dr. about it... she didn't want to listen to me. I asked her if she had heard of it before and she said yes, but in people who use drugs. "Well Dr. you did prescribe me a legal drug- Zoloft." Not getting any help for my Dr. I resorted to searching the internet. I came across a yuku forum with a dreadful dark brown background that screamed horror. When I posted my symptoms I was immediately branded into the group. I wasn't told about the things this could be and to get checked for... I was just told "Yes, you have it, sucks to be you, but you are not alone." I DID NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT!!! First of all I am a woman... I am not a man. I have emotions and need to be soothed when I am scared. I know this wasn't their job, but it would have been easier. Anyways - So I had visual snow. I started on my quest for finding out answers, all the while telling myself I couldn't live with it. I had a new born baby and I wasn't functioning. I didn't feel attached to him nor anyone else. My family seemed so foreign to me. Here I am almost 4 years later and I did indeed learn to deal with it. I even accepted it as my new normal. I am not as disconnected to the world as I was back then. However, something is changing. After being diagnosed with the Bilateral Vestibulopathy and doing the VRT exercises and then ending up with the weird vision - I have learned yet again from the visual snow board that I am getting worse. It seems others have my symptoms- I am not to the degree they are too (yet), but will be in a year or two. I constantly am aware of my vision now and am ALWAYS second guessing what I see. I keep telling myself if this gets worse I do not want to live with it. Then I think about my baby boy who is turning 4 this year and how I want to be with him. I pray constantly even though I feel like no one is listening. I hear that God can move mountains, but I feel like my mountain is just too big. I still have the longing and hope that I will be free one day of this disorder and everything that goes along with it. That my little boy will know this life with the person who I truly am, not an empty shell of who I used to be. A month or more ago I started feeling really good about life and just as fast as that happened is when things started getting bad again. Last night my dad came over with his "new" family and I felt so out of place. I kept getting these waves of feeling unreal and that is awful... I don't even want to feel that way again. The bible talks about healing and how people should lay their hands on the ill person and pray for them. I want that so bad. I mentioned it to my husband and he didn't offer to do it. I guess it's too traditional for him? I can't help but shutter in the realization that he doesn't feel the same way I do. If it were him or my little boy who were sick I would be praying over them and for them constantly. I would be doing everything I could for them. What makes me so different? God help me.... I just want my old life back. In the meantime - the study I participated in will be releasing results of that study I was in later this month on the 25th. I was scared for so long because I had been content with my illness and I was scared it would show damage and bring me back out of the contentedness and bring with it fear. However, now I am praying they have found something tangible and that they know what they want to do to treat it. I pray it works! "He himself bore our sins" in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; "by his wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:24-25 HE died on the cross for our sins and by HIS wounds WE HAVE been healed.