Updates

So I am still here... not really doing much in means of treatment for Lyme. I am waiting to hit the lotto! I have the flu or had the flu which left me with a sinus infection. My vision is worse some days and better on others. I am still living in fear of this getting worse and wondering how I will get on in this world watching people who appear to be normal... heck... I appear to be normal, but you know what I mean? To think at age 24 all of this happened to me and I haven't lived my life the way I would be if I didn't have this horrible condition(s). I just wish someone would be willing to run extensive tests on me, study my brain, do something... I just pray that I can get my life back one day and truly get to live it. My vision therapist is very pro active to finding a resolution for me and I love that about her... I just wish I trusted that it was possible to help me by just wearing lenses and having vision therapy. I mean it's my brain that is producing the problem.. I am still waiting to hear back on the visual snow study... no news yet...

Lyme and Me

My brain.... oh my brain! I am given documentation that I have Lymes and yet my brain still tells me "NO, your answer CAN NOT be that easy... You see... you have strange visual symptoms that very few Lymies mention.... if you had Lyme why do you have those symptoms?" Oh yes, and there is also the obvious speculations that Igenex produces false positive (why anyone would do that, I dunno). Do I believe this... Not really, but I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt lol. I have seen a lot of stories with people who have tested negative through CDC Western Blots, like me, and then positive through Igenex and CDC WB, like me. I have also seen a lot of people who have tested negative through Igenex, but continued to treat and have gotten better. I am stuck in a situation.... because of my vision symptoms I am scared to treat with antibiotics because many VS'ers say their vision stuff started while taking ABX (Antibiotics). I am at the moment taking a supplement called Samento. I have noticed an increase in brain fog and have been very tired... but maybe that is the alcohol content in the product... not sure. I plan to soon as some other supplements into the mix and also get a book that recently came out by Dr. Horowitz..... If only I had a ton of money........

Igenex Lyme test

So I sent my blood to Igenex three weeks ago and patiently waited for the results. I was expecting anything of real value to come back, but boy was I wrong. I was sitting at home with my husband and son watching tv when I got the call. My test results were: IgG Negative - Bands: 41++ 58+ 39 IND (not able to determine) IgM Very Positive - Bands: 18++ 30+ 31++ 34+ 39+ 41++ My PCR test was also positive My Lyme Imuno Assay was negative with one test (not sure) but positive with the whole blood test. So what this means is.... I have Lymes Disease. I have Babs and Bulg (not sure how to spell these two) antibodies. I have spent 7 years living in a fog and dealing with these bizarre symptoms that have only been getting worse. I have been so disconnected from reality for so long that I've watched relatives die, pets die and just didn't know how to react all because of this disease. What hurts the most is that this started in 2006 and I was so out of my head that I barely spent time with my mom when she needed me the most in 2008/2009 and I didn't get to be with her before she died. I hope she understands why, now, and that one day I will get to see her again and give her a big hug and a kiss! I don't know if I should cry or have a party. If I cry I won't have to worry about my vision issues, if I have a party, sensory overload, so cry it is!!!!! I am going to start posting about my recovery on this site, along with some videos I will be posting on Youtube. Will update after Monday when I see my LLMD. xoxo God is great! Though I screamed and yelled at him many times, I asked him to show me the way and he did. Never, EVER, give up hope that YOU can find an answer to your problem, and that YOU CAN get better!

Visual Snow Study

So tomorrow is October 25th 2013- The day that Dr. Christoph Schankin will be announcing the result of the study I participated in. For the longest time I was regretting this day.... maybe because I am not expecting good news... or maybe because it makes it official that something is wrong with my brain. Both of those are scary things to me. I am not getting my hopes up that anything was really accomplished from the study. I know rumors are getting tossed around left and right and most of the things talked about are ridiculous and I HOPE are not true... (I am speaking in terms of treatments). Out of all of this... I just pray that there will be a day soon where I can wake up and just be normal. I want to be able to see normally, think normally, hear normally and feel normally. I want to be the person I was 7 1/2 years ago. I want my life back!! I want to have another child and be able to give my all to him/her. I want to be complete and whole and more of a mother to my son and the same for my husband. ::Deep Breath:: I know God will take care of me no matter what.... I know he will take care of YOU no matter what too. I haven't written in a very long time, and so when I finally picked up a pen the other day, I was beside myself with what I wrote. It has to do with what I experienced when I was younger- growing up. My mom struggled with depression all the way up until she died. She also had an undiagnosed illness which she always worried about. This is what I wrote: I was just a child when my world changed she was just a mother in pain I am just a mother in pain he is just a child, his word changed I couldn't believe it... but am glad I wrote it. It will always remind me that I am what my child see's. I don't want to be a miserable dim light to my son, I want to be the world to him like he is to me. I have to find that light!!!

Lymes testing and more

So I got my blood drawn through my Naturopath's office on Wednesday morning. It was sent off to Igenex that day. I am feeling a little so-so about the test. I honestly am not expecting anything to come back showing Lyme. I just wanted to rule it out since I had the positive Elisa. My next test I was to do is the co-infections to see if I may have something. I know that thing like CMV can cause a positive Lyme Elisa, so I want to get tested for that too. Also there are other things too that cause trip it into a false positive. I go to see the vision therapist tomorrow. I am hoping she has some exercises that she thinks may help me. I have some other odd symptoms I have found too that I am going to share with her. I have self diagnosed myself as having visual dependence. I think my eyes have taken over for my ears. That would explain why I am not stable when I close my eyes. I have very good night vision, but as far as my eyes go, it's tough.

The mind that plays tricks

I have been hearing a lot about how your mind can do radical things. Just by thinking a single thought your brain actually recognizes those thoughts. If you keep thinking the same thoughts the brain connects those thoughts as normal. So say you are anxious and worried about a health condition... chances are the more you think about it, the more likely it will happen. For me it's been this vision stuff going on. Because I only experience it when looking at moving cars I have kind of been the odd man (woman) out because I can not find any information on it. But looking into the board for Visual snow I found a few people with symptoms similar, but more distressing. So... I automatically labeled myself as having that problem. Even though it is literally 3 people out of 1,300 people. Chances are that is not what I am experiencing, but because I have been thinking about it, I have been training my brain for it, so now I question every little thing I see. My boss came in and asked me how I was doing today. This of course caused me to start crying. I thought I had big issues a few years ago with visual snow, but this one takes the cake. IF it is what the few people on the VS board have then that would be crappy. To not see in fluid movement would just be pure crappiness. I know the study results will be out soon, but I still see VS as permanent..... that is just a part of my brain that has been through enough.... I have had enough! There is a part of my brain that is staying hopeful however and believes a cure is coming. This part of my brain also believes that what I have going on with my now is strictly from my vestibular issues. I have been trying to hunt down this episode I watched on mystery diagnosis the same year my mom passed in 2009. I don't know when the episode first aired though nor what it was called, but the guy had the same thing my mom had. It was some type of rare infection in the brain that caused lesions and I believe he was having seizures too. I wanted to look more into this to see if maybe I have it too and am thinking maybe I am having absent seizures? I dunno... I am just so tired of being sick. I have sat back and watched all of my friends move on in life having so much fun with their family and here I am stuck. I am an observer.... I see my sons smiles and I just think about how I could be a better mom to him if only I was better. Why did God give this to me? And more importantly why hasn't he taken it away from me....... I just want to get better!

Verdict is in..... Nystagmus caused from a decompensation of my vestibular system

So, I have been looking around on the internet trying to find what i can mainly about my vision issues. (seeing cars kind of wiggle while in motion). I have heard this called frames before and have made the mistake of calling it that because that is not what it is. The cars literally wiggle back and fourth in a jerky kind of movement. It's like my brain is capturing the image but shaking it very slightly. If I watch a bunch of cars in a row moving, oh well, this is scary. Everything starts doing the same but it feels and looks like everything is going in fast motion. Well my neuro-otologist said Optokinetic Nystagmus. My Neurologist/headache specialist said optokinetic nystagmus. And I said - I DON'T HAVE A NYSTAGMUS! I have recorded myself (stopped st s red light) watching these cars pass and see no jerking. I consulted a well known vestibular board who has a Dr. who usually comments on members' posts to lead them in the right direction. He told me he thought it sounded like nystagmus. (3 Dr's claiming nystagmus - Zero Bilateral Vestibulopathy patients telling me what this is.... maybe because it's rare and I haven't had any luck finding any). So I went to my Neuro-otologist looking for some answers. He told me he has heard of it before and to stay off of the message boards. He said the worst people are on them (those suffering with their health conditions- but it makes sense, because they are looking for answers). He told me some nystagmus can not be seen with the eyes. They would have to use special goggles to pick this up. He didn't offer to do it, but reassured me it was normal and that I need to start doing my VRT again and also he agreed that some Vision therapy may be helpful as well. He said the brain just needs to re-compensate. So I left with new-found hope! Today was a little down as I started having negative thoughts about this getting worse or turning into something else, but then I remembered... I am going to get better, not worse. I am going to beat this!!!!

Stool sample

Wow, I said it.... Stool sample! I am going to take a stool sample!!! I grew up in the era of Beavis and Butthead so I am not, as one might say, prude. I was raised in a non modest family. Here's an example.... our family thought it was funny when any time someone was in the shower or using the bathroom that we would fart on the door so that it would echo very loudly. (Wow, I just said that too) Now that I got that out of the way.... I am taking the stool sample mainly to check for candida, but also because I have been having issues with diarrhea (cha, cha, cha- you knew that was coming). I have had it for well over a month and 1/2 now for no good reason at all. Not that I can justify a good reason for having diarrhea (cha, cha, cha). So you are given this plastic-ish type french fry tray that you have to literally poop on. (put your gloves on first) Then you use the enclosed plastic spatula to dissect your poop in three different areas and place those portions into assigned plastic tubes. Once that is done you pack it up and call the FED EX man to come pick up your poop! My husband will have three of his life long friends in town this weekend and I am planning to do my "specimen collection" then. No, I did not plan it that way, it just happened to "fall" on that day. Okay, enough toilet humor.

I will not feel sorry for myself anymore!

Today my best friend, who oddly enough has visual snow too, messaged me about how she got in some travel brochures for visiting Patagonia, South America. She said I should go and she felt it would help me get over my fear of flying. My first thought is I would totally go "IF" I didn't have this new symptom of not being able to track fast cars. It would be my luck to go there and my vision get worse and I wouldn't be able to track anything. Now, logically if I sit back and observe this pattern of thinking I can see that this is a catastrophic way of thinking and by all means isn't rational. I mean, I have been close to the same for over a month with just a little worsening, but some days are better than others, so chances are going somewhere isn't going to make me worse. Now on the other hand the stress from flying could make my symptoms worse, so I refuse to go.... now that is a better way of thinking. Some may say that is crazy and just go, but it isn't that simple. I have been telling myself for the past month that this is so awful to be going through, why me, what is the point of living... yada yada. Then I would end my night by reading scriptures from the bible. How can I change my life around to get closer to God and here I was doing the opposite of what I should. The church is always talking about serving and helping others and my first thought is always, "I would if I didn't have such and such problem." I should be putting myself in the shoes of those who are needy. Those who are blind and would kill to have my vision no matter how screwed up it is. There are children who lose their eyesight because of health conditions. BLIND!!! I am not BLIND! My perception is altered and skewed, but I am not blind. To have these thoughts that I would rather be blind to not have to see what I see if absurd. It's not rational thinking, it's catastrophic thinking. It's me thinking of the worse. I am still able to see my baby boys smiling face every day. I am still able to see my husband and family. Heck, I am still able to work (as much as I don't want to). I will not feel sorry for myself anymore. Yes I could worse, but most importantly I COULD get better. I was setting a limitation on myself not only with my abilities on what I can and can't do, but I was diagnosing myself as permanent and nothing is too permanent for God. I read the bible and see stories of healing and never put myself in the their shoes or ever thought that I could be healed too, but why not? Why couldn't I be healed just as they were. Jesus health the lame, blind, sick and DEAD! I am healed!! "He himself bore our sins" in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness;"by his wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:24-25

Upcoming appointments and Alternative testing

So Wednesday is the day I see two very important Dr's. These Dr.'s are either going to leave me extremely frustrated and depressed or give me some great hope that i am not going crazy. It will most likely be the latter of the two since I usually eave frustrated and depressed. So why am I going back to them do you ask? Well because they are the best we have around here. I do have a back up plan, however. My next step will be to visit the university a few cities away. That is where I go for my migraine treatment. Last time the reasoning behind my newly acquired jiggly vision was from Optokinetic Nystagmus and visual vertigo. For one I do not have a nystagmus and for two I am not dizzy anymore. The pieces just do not add up. On another note I ordered 5 tests to be done (alternative tests that a lot of Allopathic Dr.'s will not test for: Hair Mineral Testing Stool testing for Candida and parasites Blood mineral analysis Female hormone testing via saliva Neuro-Adrenal testing via saliva I just completed the neuro adrenal testing and am sending it off to the lab today. I will do the stool test on Thursday and the hair sample testing on Friday, as well as the blood testing on Friday. My monthly cycle should start on Saturday so when I will start the hormone testing- so that will complete everything. I know my migraines are completely influenced around my cycle, so there is def. a hormonal component to this mystery. I am also waiting for some paper work to come in the mail so I can schedule an appointment to do Lyme testing. It's been frustrating as I have contacted this office for a few weeks now getting told information will be sent out and it never does. I know Lyme is very controversial, but don't leave a patient hanging!

Alone in a world full of healthy people

When you are born into this world you don't know much. Only instinctive things like breathing, squinting at bright lights :), etc. As you get older you learn things, you become attached to people and things. You are happy and sad, but never think twice about these emotions. You get sick and you know you will get better soon either on its own or with medicine. These are things you've learned and know. But what happens when you get sick and no one knows what to do. I can only explain it being like the first person diagnosed with AIDS (even though it may not be deadly). Dr.'s didn't know what to do. I imagine some didn't even care what to do because it was our of their scope of practice and wasn't in their book of ailments and treatments. I feel a bit like this every day. When I first got the visual snow and the Dr. and I approached the Dr. about it... she didn't want to listen to me. I asked her if she had heard of it before and she said yes, but in people who use drugs. "Well Dr. you did prescribe me a legal drug- Zoloft." Not getting any help for my Dr. I resorted to searching the internet. I came across a yuku forum with a dreadful dark brown background that screamed horror. When I posted my symptoms I was immediately branded into the group. I wasn't told about the things this could be and to get checked for... I was just told "Yes, you have it, sucks to be you, but you are not alone." I DID NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT!!! First of all I am a woman... I am not a man. I have emotions and need to be soothed when I am scared. I know this wasn't their job, but it would have been easier. Anyways - So I had visual snow. I started on my quest for finding out answers, all the while telling myself I couldn't live with it. I had a new born baby and I wasn't functioning. I didn't feel attached to him nor anyone else. My family seemed so foreign to me. Here I am almost 4 years later and I did indeed learn to deal with it. I even accepted it as my new normal. I am not as disconnected to the world as I was back then. However, something is changing. After being diagnosed with the Bilateral Vestibulopathy and doing the VRT exercises and then ending up with the weird vision - I have learned yet again from the visual snow board that I am getting worse. It seems others have my symptoms- I am not to the degree they are too (yet), but will be in a year or two. I constantly am aware of my vision now and am ALWAYS second guessing what I see. I keep telling myself if this gets worse I do not want to live with it. Then I think about my baby boy who is turning 4 this year and how I want to be with him. I pray constantly even though I feel like no one is listening. I hear that God can move mountains, but I feel like my mountain is just too big. I still have the longing and hope that I will be free one day of this disorder and everything that goes along with it. That my little boy will know this life with the person who I truly am, not an empty shell of who I used to be. A month or more ago I started feeling really good about life and just as fast as that happened is when things started getting bad again. Last night my dad came over with his "new" family and I felt so out of place. I kept getting these waves of feeling unreal and that is awful... I don't even want to feel that way again. The bible talks about healing and how people should lay their hands on the ill person and pray for them. I want that so bad. I mentioned it to my husband and he didn't offer to do it. I guess it's too traditional for him? I can't help but shutter in the realization that he doesn't feel the same way I do. If it were him or my little boy who were sick I would be praying over them and for them constantly. I would be doing everything I could for them. What makes me so different? God help me.... I just want my old life back. In the meantime - the study I participated in will be releasing results of that study I was in later this month on the 25th. I was scared for so long because I had been content with my illness and I was scared it would show damage and bring me back out of the contentedness and bring with it fear. However, now I am praying they have found something tangible and that they know what they want to do to treat it. I pray it works! "He himself bore our sins" in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; "by his wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:24-25 HE died on the cross for our sins and by HIS wounds WE HAVE been healed.

New Symptoms

So after my last visit with the vestibular therapist and her saying my ears are close to functioning as normal and I can go about my life doing the exercises as needed, which means at least once a day or so. My curious brain wanted to see if watching traffic drive by would induce some kind of fuzzy feeling. Well... if you go looking for something, you will find it. Though it wasn't what I had expected. When I did this everything all of a sudden started looking robotic and fast. The cars would whip by and they would stutter in my vision. Not in frames, per se, but more like if you looked at a movie put in fast forward it would appear to jerk a little... that is what happened. It freaked me out and i got over it. A couple of weeks later on our way to Miami I noticed it on the interstate. Any car going in the opposite direction looked like it was jerking. It seems like the tires have been put in glue or something. Well lets say it pretty much ruined my whole Miami trip. When I got home I researched the crap out of it only finding topics on Frame vision. This scared me even more. I have since found out that there are a few people with visual snow who have it. I do not know the circumstances under which they acquired VS, but it seems to be very rare anyways. I had labeled myself that I would end up seeing in frames as some of these people report it happening very slowly and only noticing it in cars like me. I beat myself up for days and days and days neglecting my family because of the what if's... I found myself back at square one like when I first got Visual Snow. I am a Christian. I need to have faith. That is the only thing, aside from my husband and a couple of friends, has been able to pull me out of the funk and not label myself just yet. Every person is different and every symptom is different no matter what the disorder. I have bilateral hypo function and therefor my eyes and ears are tied together and if I am no longer dizzy than my brain is compensating, which means my eyes may be too. My migraines have started coming back and I know that can tie into everything as well. So for now I am giving it to God along with daily prayer that whatever is going on with me now will not progress down the road and will eventually go away. On another note - The study results for Visual snow will be released on October 29th 2013. There are a lot of people waiting to see what the study revealed is going on in our crazy brains. Praying that it will lead us to a cure so we can all see normally again and most importantly feel normal again :) God bless you all!

Food Allergies

A couple of weeks back when I was getting willingly poked 50 times in my arm to determine my indoor and out door allergies I also did a quick blood draw to check for common food allergies. I had to wait a week for the results, but finally got the news yesterday. The conversation went something like this...."Well, you have a LOT of food allergies!!" Me; "WHAHUH????" "Yea, two of the worst are Milk and Eggs" ::Takes the gluten free egg product out of my mouth:: (J/K). But I had almost finished a bag of gluten free cookies that contained both of those products just 40 minutes earlier haha. I made my appointment for Monday this coming week.... I don't know what I should eat at this point. I am praying she doesn't say peanuts are out... I love peanut butter and need it like oxygen!!!! Ya know... just having a day where I can wake up without feeling like there is a brick sitting on my forehead would be wonderful! If I could breathe out of both my nostrils at the same time... that may just qualify for a happy day in my book. Onward and upward!

Updated VNG test results as well as allergy testing

I went back for another VNG test (caloric testing where they blow warm and cold air into each ear to induce vertigo as a pair of electronic goggles that you are wearing records your eye movements). I hated the test more than any of the tests they do there. I went for a follow up the very next day and was surprised to hear that my left ear is almost back to normal and my right ear (the very bad one) still had some damage, but was looking a lot better. It seems the head shake exercises are working. That same week I had an appointment for the vestibular rehab and was mentioning how panning movement from tv, video screens at church, and sometimes moving cars can make me start to feel off balance. She told me to buy a disco ball with different colors, one that rotates around projecting the moving images on the wall and do my exercises with it going. So far so good. It actually mimics the same movement that makes me dizzy. this will help aide in training my brain. I am feeling beter and more confident that one day I will be able to drive without any more issues. We are going on vacation in October to the Keys. I usually have no problems as a passenger other than the feeling that we are going too fast. I make my husband stay at 70 mph and remind him every few minutes when he tries to go faster. :) On another note: The same day I did the caloric ear tests I had to do a slew of allergy testing, shots in the arm (about 50 for outside allergens) and a blood draw (for food allergens). I got the results instantly for the outside allergens, but had to come back the next day to see if I had any delayed reactions. I am allergic to 3 types of grass, 6 types of mold, some weeds, cats and dust mites. I had a very long reaction to the cats and most of all the dust mites. My arm is still red and raised in both of those areas and that was from early last week. I was told that allergies can cause migraines and dizziness and that I should get allergy shots to see if it helps. I am waiting to hear back regarding the food allergies and then I will start the shots. So, that is all I have for now. I had been trying to save up to see an osteopath so I could go through Igenex to get another Lymes test done. They say its hard to get a positive Elisa on the Lymes test and since I did, I should go through Igenex. It would explain the thyroid issues, migraines, dizziness, muscle twitching, etc. I would just love to get an answer. Any who, yea, I had been trying to save up, but it seems once I have the money, I have to spend it on some other bills. This has been life......

Bilateral Vestibular Hypofunction - Updates

Well, It's been a while. I didn't think anyone read my blog, but apparently others do because I've been contacted a few times. I know usually my posts on here are updates, just like this one. I have been dealing a lot better with my migraines - They now only come close to my period and during. I had taken verapamil for about a year and after stopping it I was down to just the few migraines a month. I started getting new symptoms however within a few months of stopping the med. The road ahead me, specifically on the interstate would appear to be bending downward. I also started feeling like I was sitting still, on one of those simulated ride where you are watching the screen move in front of you (like a roller coaster ride). Some call this depersonalization, but I know what DP is and this is not it. This is my brain getting confused with what my eyes are seeing, no doubt. I went to a neurotologist for testing and had a VNG study done. The Caloric testing (tubes in the ears and hot and then cold air blown into the canal) revealed Bilateral vestibular hypofunction. A "rare" (getting used to these diagnoses) condition that causes damage to both inner ears resulting in balance issues. This is usually caused from certain antibiotics ending in cin, like Azythromyacin, which I took a lot of in my lifetime due to ear infections and other illnesses. He said this was most likely causing the issues for me with driving. I also started noticing that when in coversation with people, certain head movements, primarilly up and down shaking in a "yes" head movement" I would get a quick zap of being offbalance. This too would be from the vestibular damage. Then there was also the case of while read something, say my computer screen, anything in my peripheral vision would start to shake a little, or bounce. This too is my vestibular system. Anywho, long story short I had been doing VERT, Vestibular Rehab since January 2013. I feel a little better, not a whole lot, still have the same symptoms to a degree. I did the VNG study again yesterday and got the results today. I have regained back most of my balance, with the exception of my right ear still being bad, but it has improved as well!!!! Great news!! I am going to keep up with the VRT exercises to see if some of these annoying symptoms will go away. I want to enjoy road trips agan :) On another note some other symptoms which seem to be migraine related have popped up. I do have visual snow, which I have talked about before on here... I am used to it now BTW, but this could be the contributing facot, maybe MAV which is vestibular migraine by the way (basilar migraine was my diagnosis). When I pass cross walks while driving (the ones with lines on them) the lines will appear to be moving to the right or the left. Also, cross walks made out of brick pavers will do the same. So anything with a type of pattern to it will move. Yippiee!!! I am also getting more sensitive to movement in my peripheral vision! I seem to be getting migraine symptoms without the pain too. I can always feel it in my eyes and neck. While at church viewing the big creen, once the camera starts panning left to right or if a pattern is flashing on the screen during the music playing, I will get izzy. My VRT specialist suggested getting one of those table top disco balls lights with all the different colors to see if exposing myself to this will help retrain as other therapists have suggested it to her. I am going to give it a shot :) Now there is teh case of support... I have zero support outside of my Dr's office appointments. I attribute this to years of complaining, many diagnosis' and not getting better. My husband listens, but not really. I feel as though I have to throw in the word boobs, to get his attention. You can hear the buzzing in his brain after he lets me unload on him. Quite sad. I guess somewhere in my imaginative brain I figured my husband was the best man in the world who would give me support every time I needed it. FAIL! Unless I am crying or dying... I get zero!!! All I wanted from him today was to ask me how my Dr's appointment went. He told me he was busy and couldn't talk. I told my support board, but sometimes I feel like most would be envious for hearing of others good news, because they want it to be them. I dunno... I guess that sounds crazy. I am such a nurturing type that I just don't understand how my own husband could sit back and let me go through all of this on my own. If it were him who had these issues I would be spending every bit of free time researching and contacting people. Now I know I am a very strong headed person... a Driver if you would call it that, and maybe he feels if anyone can do it it's me... but the truth is, at the end of the day I am just as human as him. I keep holding on to the dream and the vision that one day I will be back to normal. The old pain in the butt girl I was before all of this. The free spirited girl who had a dream to travel the world and see as much of it as she could. I can still feel it deep inside soul that this is going to happen. That is what keeps me going.