You would think that the news of the Dr.'s finding an answer to all of this madness would be enough to keep me happy, and don't get me wrong it has ignited a flame in me, but I can feel the flame fading.
I have come this far, right? I should be able to keep strong and be patient until a treatment comes through. I mean I received the email myself from Dr. Schankin stating that they were looking into several treatments, so I know it's going to happen. I know how dedicated Dr. Goadsby and Dr. Schankin both are, so you would think that alone would be sufficient. So why have I been growing increasingly sad the past few weeks?
I've been thinking more and more about the locations in the brain where this is taking place and it makes perfect sense why I am so bothered with driving. And why at times I feel like I am either leaning to one side, off balance or feeling like I am going to fall into the sky. I guess I am just so tired of feeling this way. I have progressively gotten worse over the course of a few years. I have heard of some getting worse, but usually it's with the static portion of VS, mine had been bizarre symptoms that only a few VS'ers have.
Listen to me complaining.... how can I complain when there are so many others out there who have serious conditions and NO ONE researching them!!! I should feel so grateful, and believe I do, for getting an answer. I guess somewhere in my messed up brain I just keep thinking, what if? What if treatment doesn't work for me and I get progressively worse still. I hate thinking that way. God has brought me this far and so he will see me through it, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
I often try to reminisce about what it's like to feel fully connected and whole. To see normally and think normally. Every now and then I get a glimpse of it and it feels so great, but it gets replaced so suddenly with emptiness......
I plan on travelling, I know I have said this time and time again, but I promise, once this is over for me I am travelling. This gives me so much hope. I have actually written down the places I want to visit and have looked up hotels, etc. I plan on wearing a "I survived VS" shirt and spreading the word as well. Who knows, maybe along the way I will meet someone who has it and had no idea about the Facebook page, the Doctors, the research and the treatment. I know there is SOME reason why I got this stuff, I just know it. For the longest time I felt like it was to write a book, but let's face it, I'm not that great at that, so maybe it is through travelling and spreading the good word....?!?
My favorite outlet was always driving.... right now I am so afraid of it. I am ending this post with a vision that I hope to one day be able to bring to fruition:
"After my plane lands in the UK I will pick up a convertible rental car in any available color, I just want to feel the wind or the rain on my face. (Most likely this will be rain - did I even mention I LOVE the rain!!) There are a few places I want to visit - London, Essex, and then I want to go up to Scotland. I want to stand on the edges of cliffs without fear. Once my depth perception is back in working order, I should be so scared of falling off the edge. I want to also take the time to travel through Europe via train! I would love to all of this with my son and husband, but my husband isn't too interested in this.... So I may be doing it alone, but I don't mind.... I've felt alone in this condition for quite some years now.... I can handle fulfilling my dream on my own, but who knows, maybe he will change his mind :)
God bless you all! I hope that one day soon I will have my final post on visual snow because of successful treatment and will be starting a new blog on traveling.
Love,
Candi
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