I love smelling the inside pages of a brand new book. You just can't beat the feeling that follows from a good inhale of fragrant pages. The rush of endorphins that flood your brain.....
How ironic it is that I love books so much, but can no longer read them due to my vision. It's rather tragic really. A good book used to consume my brain for hours. It was a great escape from my mundane pre-VS days. Now that time has been replaced with less enjoyable things such as worry. Unanswered questions. Pointless doctor visits. Phobias. Diet modifications. This is who I've now become. Who Visual Snow has turned me in to.
Some days I feel like a puppet. Either someone has a very gentle hand up my ass or there are invisible strings attached to my every limb. Most days I just go through the motions all while holding on to some piece of hope that one day I will be myself again. Other days that hope is replaced with fear and anger. Fear of the unknown and angry that this is happening to me. I shouldn't be going through this.....
What I don't understand is why this condition separates you from so many people you were once so close to, and brings you closer to people you hardly know... all because they can relate.. It's so wrong, but feels so good. What do you do? I'm tired of feeling so bad and restrained from life that a taste of something that makes me feel so good is like eating the forbidden fruit.... and we all know how that one played out.
It's so simple to think of the things you wish you had and hadn't done before VS. Or the things you'd rather be doing if you didn't have a condition that completely warps your vision. But truth is, it still leads you back to the reality.... that while Visual Snow doesn't really define me, it technically does. Because I'm still the girl who loves to smell the pages of a new book, but can't read it. I'm still a puppet merely existing and not really living. I am still limited to my abilities... or as some would say disabilities..
At the end of the day I will still go to bed with Visual Snow and wake up with Visual Snow. I have a condition.... I own a condition... I am a condition... I am Visual Snow.
