The mind that plays tricks

I have been hearing a lot about how your mind can do radical things. Just by thinking a single thought your brain actually recognizes those thoughts. If you keep thinking the same thoughts the brain connects those thoughts as normal. So say you are anxious and worried about a health condition... chances are the more you think about it, the more likely it will happen. For me it's been this vision stuff going on. Because I only experience it when looking at moving cars I have kind of been the odd man (woman) out because I can not find any information on it. But looking into the board for Visual snow I found a few people with symptoms similar, but more distressing. So... I automatically labeled myself as having that problem. Even though it is literally 3 people out of 1,300 people. Chances are that is not what I am experiencing, but because I have been thinking about it, I have been training my brain for it, so now I question every little thing I see. My boss came in and asked me how I was doing today. This of course caused me to start crying. I thought I had big issues a few years ago with visual snow, but this one takes the cake. IF it is what the few people on the VS board have then that would be crappy. To not see in fluid movement would just be pure crappiness. I know the study results will be out soon, but I still see VS as permanent..... that is just a part of my brain that has been through enough.... I have had enough! There is a part of my brain that is staying hopeful however and believes a cure is coming. This part of my brain also believes that what I have going on with my now is strictly from my vestibular issues. I have been trying to hunt down this episode I watched on mystery diagnosis the same year my mom passed in 2009. I don't know when the episode first aired though nor what it was called, but the guy had the same thing my mom had. It was some type of rare infection in the brain that caused lesions and I believe he was having seizures too. I wanted to look more into this to see if maybe I have it too and am thinking maybe I am having absent seizures? I dunno... I am just so tired of being sick. I have sat back and watched all of my friends move on in life having so much fun with their family and here I am stuck. I am an observer.... I see my sons smiles and I just think about how I could be a better mom to him if only I was better. Why did God give this to me? And more importantly why hasn't he taken it away from me....... I just want to get better!