Conversations with dad

Well I know I posted that the hole in my heart was found at birth.... I was wrong. I was having a conversation with my dad last night about it being the cause of my problems. He said, "I remember all of that. I used to take you out and let you sit on my lap and steer my car because I thought I was going to lose you!" My first thought..... or should I say emotion.... was to cry, all while asking how old I was and how the procedure to find the hole and determine it was sealed went. He said I was around 5 years old and they found it by Xray and determined it closed the same way.

The reason I cried was not because of the age or even because text book says PFO's close after 2 years of age. I cried because my earliest memory I have as a child is sitting on my fathers lap and steering his old Maverick. I remember the very first time I cried. I was so afraid, but my dad let go of the wheel and told me I had to. So I did.... and from there on out I always asked to steer anywhere we went. Of course it was from the left side of the vehicle in the passenger seat hahaha. I remember though... and it broke my heart to hear him say he thought he was going to lose me.

It's a strange thing, this "temporary disorder"....

For almost 4 straight years I have lost the ability to truly feel connected to ANYTHING or ANYONE. Depersonalization is a Beeyotch! I left someone I truly loved, at the time, because I could no longer feel compasion... I could only feel desire.... so I cheated on him, watched him cry and beg for me to stay and then I left him. Yes, I miss him all the time, but there is a reason for everything. We actually became best friends and I value that friendship because I knew he would remain in my life no matter what.. But I was wrong again. Love, it's a funny thing and while I am now married and I have a child and I know I love them both.... I can't wait to really feel TRUE love when this whole thing is over with. I can't wait to get my life back together.

The one thing that I wish more than anything.... was that I could of really felt things before my mom passed. I feel like I didn't give her a fair chance in my life since all of this happened. Depersonalization will ISOLATE you from everything and everyone. They can still be present in your life...,but mentally, you won't be in theirs!!

I love you mom!