These are all theories that I keep running through my head today. My son is sick so I had to stay home with him today, which I knew meant disaster for my anxious mind.
You see, right this second a good friend of mine suffering from the same visual symptoms is in Boston seeing a specialist in HPPD. Hallucin Persisting Perception Disorder (sp). His theory is that some people who have done drugs like Acid and sometimes Pot can have a lasting visual effect. From what I have read onset of the condition is immediately following ingestion. I do not fit in that category as it's been over 13 years since I tried LSD once! Yes, it was a bad experiencing, but afterwards I was fine! Pot I had dabbled in over the course of my life with a 6 year gap of not doing it and then doing it a handful of times after that, which again, I was fine afterwards and will never do again. Now, most of the symptoms of HPPD are silimiar to Migraine Aura.... so that is where the confusion and fear sets in for me, While my friend still thinks it is the PFO theory just as I do that fits, she is still in Boston to do a study with a new promising medicine that helps those with HPPD.
Why am I scared you ask? Because for some HPPD resolves on its own, but for many it never goes away. NEVER!!!!! All I want is my life back.....I want to enjoy my life once again as I used to. What changed????? Why did this happen to me???
Now as I stated in a previous post, I found a girl who had a lot of the symptoms I do and her symptoms went in to full remission after getting the hole in her heart sealed. I was able to finally contact her via email today and want to ask her a couple of important questions to see if we really do have that link. She mentioned tracers, lines, dark spots and floaters in her vision, all of what I have. She didn't however mention the after images or the depersonalization.
Right this second my son is in his walker....... walking aimlessly toward any object her can get his hands on... and I...... I am stuck. I am stuck in my own head desperately searching for a way out so I can hold my son and really feel what it's like to be a mommy. So I can walk outside and breathe the air and feel the seasons as I used to. I look so normal on the outside..... but on the inside I am a complete wreck!!!
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